心好痛。
最近愈發愈密，這可能是迫使我自己多想一下我的人生了。當連我自己也控制不了的時候，我會怎麼樣？Ray 叫了我無數次的去看醫生、吃藥，他說過要是我出什麼事了我的家人會怎麼傷心的，可是．．．他們永遠都不會成為我第一個想到的人。
一向都叫我不要拍拖的媽媽居然開口叫我去追 Alex =.="（先生，別想多了，可以告訴你，沒可能！）；
一向叫我自己想自己未來的父母居然叫我去做他們想的事情；
一向以為善解人意 Holy Drama 的同伴居然不管我有事情要我定期交稿；
一向在人眼中很好的一個基督徒女孩現在卻對我事事針對、句句有骨；
一向平穩的靈命信心卻一下子掉到底；
Tracy 一直都覺得生活都在自己的手中，我還是可以控制到、知道在發生什麼事的。但從今年回到 Melbourne 之後，跟我計劃不一樣的事情一件一件的出現、發生。本來安靜的心，不知不覺的也變得跟世界一樣了，性格也變得好不同，愈來愈雙重人格了。
這一場戲好難演。在教會的人前，我不敢再像在ＨＫ的時候一樣，去跟所有人說不開心的事、煩惱的事，我知道他們會擔心我。在人前，努力的去演一個天真開朗的女孩子，什麼煩惱都沒有，同時也不去煩什麼。（只是有時候在 internet 上發一下瘋）每一次當誰誰把我送到家門，開門進去我的房之後，心的一陣難過、一陣心酸，很想去保持天真的我、開心的我、至少．．．是瘋一點的我。那樣子，身邊的人就不會去擔心我。
「不要把不開心、苦惱、辛酸帶在侍奉中。」，that's what the people in HK told me. But that is so hard. Worship is a part of our life, I cant separate that from my life, that's should be the same thing, life=worship .....
Like now....I am tired, tired to do anything. Who can totally understand "who Tracy is", "What Tracy's thinking", "Why Tracy's doing that".......maybe only someone know why I am using english now, but how many yrs we had ?? You r too understand me. But actuality who is Tracy ?? I dun know. I am too tired to think of this kind of questions. Who else can I be ?? I dun know.... Am I Tracy ?? The one I knew since I was 14 ??
I still remember Hans asked me who did I love. I told him I had a list of 30 people. First one is JESUS. I let him to find out who I love in church. Why I cant shout out I love him !?!? I know I do. I still do. But why I can tell people that I love Jesus, I love God, but I am scared of telling people I love him ?? Nope.....I only scared of telling PEOPLE IN CHURCH that who I love ...... In school, even Khoi, Quinland, and somepeople I am not really fd with. They know that. But why not telling to the people in church ? Because he is in church too ?? Maybe ..... Who knows ?? I dun even know what am I doing and why I do things .... =.=
For me.....I wish I can go back to last yr, when everything hasn't be that bad. Can I ......
Maybe if I never come to Melbourne, maybe if I went to England with Alex and not to study here.....everything will be better. Maybe I will like Alex again ( still telling u that dun think too much )..... haha ...... who knows ...... maybe Alex will fail this yr then he might come to Melbourne :P but I will go away =.= anyway ....... no one knows what will happen except God. Why he tells me ??
I used to can feel what people thinking, I am getting this ability back I think, at least I did feel two thing yesterday and that was right, and the other once..... I think I've heard his voice of heart was saying something when we were on the way to uni ....... if this is right I will be so happy I know ^^
too much thing in one day ..... I think too much maybe ...... I need to take a rest now, listen to Uncle Ho =.= rest rest rest rest rest if I feel hard or sad, not to be too happy, not to be too high ( =.= ), when it's too slow dun close my eyes, if that is too fast dun listen to what u hear at that time ( then think of some slow music )......Also remember to pray God, tell him what is going on, ask him to do what he wants.
I really need to go to bed now =.= a bit late if later Alex c me on msn he will not stop talking to me -.- so ......... gd night everyone ^^
