2020 年 1 月 13 日 星期一  |
| 2020 |
分類: 解封报告 |
2019 was a magical year for me, and somehow it gave me the confidence that 2020 will be wonderful as well. At least I believe so when I am writing this supposed-to-be new year’s plan/wishes.
Sometimes it hits me with surprise how much I can be unconsciously influenced by others. Although my friendship with whom I spent the New Year’s Eve with last year is broken beyond repair, I found myself taking over the new year’s ritual what she found vitally important: summarizing for the past year and making a planning/wishes for the new year. Here I am, remembering how I tried persuading myself to do these for her sake last year, willingly doing this for myself now. Maybe it is true in a sense that we are just what comes of our experiences.
After blabbing for two paragraphs, I haven’t started to really talk about my vision for 2020, which on the one hand illustrates my inefficient writing style when comes to personal thoughts and on the other hand shows the confusion I have now about what I want to achieve in this year (or even in this new decade). When I asked myself the question, my first instinct is that I need to have my degrees. However, it sounds to me that I have the pressure and responsibility to get the tasks done rather than having a true desire for them. Indeed, although the diploma is the obvious goal of studying for most people, it has never been my motivation. Now I do feel the obligation and practical benefit to get them and feel proud of myself for the “honorable achievements” but they suddenly appear to me so irrelevant for who I am. I know how much titles and qualifications can change how a person is perceived in the society, but I am now truly grateful for experience to have the possibility to also see others underneath their achievements or failures (which is possibly a result of misfortune) and appreciate the person as they are, the one unique possibility manifested and/or manifesting in this universe. I think that’s the beauty and value of life.
Pulling myself back on topic, I must admit that I do want to try my best to get my degrees XD And, what else? From my reaction to this question, I am happily surprised to find myself being quite satisfied with my life now. I have never been the kind of person who likes making wishes. When I was young, in the wish-making moments, I would ask (the universe?) timidly to be rewarded equally to my efforts. I still remembered in 2007, the year I got my offer to study in the NL, a friend and I visited a temple and she asked me to make a wish. I thought for a bit, and said, I don’t have any wish now, I have already got what I wanted. These moments were so clear in my memory, and I missed them desperately in the years that I was lost. It’s so nice to be in that state again. Maybe it is true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am not sure I am stronger, but I am glad that finally, I have survived.
It’s interesting to see how talkative I am when writing blogs XD I never really like writing and I blamed my writing anxiety for most of my academic delays (Yes I had a year delay in my masters because I could not write my thesis up to my standard). When my master thesis supervisor knew I planned to switch to philosophy, a field where it’s all about writing (well, maybe 80%?), she sincerely asked my “why?!”. Yeah, why all the self-torture? Sometimes I think maybe I am masochistic when it comes to academic activities. Luckily, so far, I have survived philosophy and I am still going for cum laude. Maybe I should believe that true love is omnipotent :3
Going back to the topic again. I don’t think I can plan much for other things in life. Yes, I can apply for a Ph.D.; I can be more social; I can do more exercise… I can make efforts to be a better version of myself or go further in the path I envisioned but I don’t plan because I know there will be uncertainties even when everything looks so predictable; I don’t wish because I know I will be able to handle in the case that what I would have wished for does not happen. I am still learning to embrace life as it unfolds and experience the moment as it comes to me. That’s also why when I thought about New Year’s wishes, this came to my mind: 新的一年，请多指教。（今年パ れ願ゆ ゆギウネエ。）
今年パれ互ゆ頑張ボよ！
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W 於 2020-01-13 06:53 PM 發表：
I just realized that the long years of exam training had me instantly auto-correct anything I am reading... and the fact that I can't write on the screen is making an error pop-up window in my internal OS every other 10 seconds which is utterly annoying...
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QWQ I really want to minimize this effect on my reviewers ... Posted at 2020-01-15 02:40 AM [ 編輯 ] [ 刪除 ] |
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