Celine: It’s just… depressing, no? That the … the only thing we’re gonna think of is when we’re gonna have to say goodbye tomorrow. 

Jesse: Well, we could say goodbye now. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about it in the morning.                          - Before Sunrise (1995)

Lately, I have been in an undefinable blue. I know it is somehow related to the fact that I am leaving Leuven and the sadness has become stronger and stronger when the departure day comes closer and closer. Although I have known it will come from the start, it is getting real now. It is not a vague destiny but a brutal fact, which becomes so weighty that drags my heart down little by little.

Ever since when I was a child, I remembered myself being that little girl with a weird attitude towards happiness. Whenever I am close to the peak of positive emotion or in a close-to-ideal situation, I feel happily sad. At that kind of moment, it appears to me that all these wonderful things will be gone once it reaches the perfect state. No matter how much anyone wants the resplendence to stay, it will inevitably disappear, gradually or suddenly. I used to be stuck in this realization and tried to reconcile with it by appreciating the beauty of the transient nature of life. Sometimes to avoid facing the disappointment generated by the desire for more, I forced myself to leave before the time came and to let go before I would have to lose it. In this way, for a long time, I managed to stay relatively peaceful because I never really allow myself to get there in exchange for a sense of control.

During my Ph.D. in neuroscience, I have encountered some people who would sincerely praise me for my success in my career. I did not feel proud but a void in my heart. I knew I had been choosing whatever best options in front of me and made something nice out of it. At the same time, deep down I knew none of the options I had was what I truly desired. I am not sure whether I was scared to want it, to express my desire or to go for it. Maybe I did not even realize I could have chosen something out of the box. It took me a lot of struggle and help from others to admit that I was not happy and I could be happy. At that point in my life, when I looked at myself, I did not recognize the person I was, let alone liking whoever that is.

Luckily, I did not sink there then. I tried to pull myself out of the swamp and really thought about where to go. I think I finally reach a solid ground when I was in Leuven a few months ago. I don’t know what it is about Leuven or something particular in my life here that is so magical that makes me myself again but I do start to be able to rebuilt and accept who I am and maybe even capable of like me a bit. Finally, I am in a status that I am living and maybe even living happily.

At the peak of the prior-departure blue, I realized how much I want this to continue (forever). When I was counting the few days between “today” and the departure date on the calendar with my housemate’s voice in the background saying “so what time fits you best? Morning? Afternoon?”, I was swept by an internal tsunami of sadness and I couldn’t process her words. I couldn’t really hear her. Her voice appeared hazy as if it was from somewhere so far away that it was like another world or another time. I was somewhere else, or maybe I was nowhere. I swiped the calendar on my phone like a robot but with slightly shaky fingers, sitting there in silence. It must have been just a minute or two but I did not feel time passing then. I was stuck.

I still cannot reply to her questions with certainty. It somehow feels like a death penalty to my happy life. I did say something though, out of politeness. I said I would discuss with my friends and see if anyone is coming to see me off and I would give her a specific time later. Deep down I know, that’s not the (only) reason I could not set a time to leave.

I was not this kind of clingy person. I have been away from home for years and I moved so many times and I said goodbye to so many dear persons in my life. I seldom felt this way. Therefore, I spent my free time in the past few days thinking about why I am so reluctant to leave and what I really miss so much here. You have got the spoiler already. I thought it might be about the people, about the opportunities, about the nice thing that one could not get, etc. It isn’t. It is about my fear that I will not be in a state that is as good as the one I am in now (or better) anymore if I leave. Deep down I don’t know whether I have the power to maintain a self that I like on my own.

It is interesting though when I rationally think about it. In some sense, I have built my life in Leuven on my own and in some other sense, I will not be on my own even when I return to the Netherlands. I may not lose anything substantial by leaving and yet it feels like the end of everything. It is indeed the end of a phase of my life, an unexpectedly wonderful chapter. Maybe what I need now is the faith that the next chapter will be great with my own or joint effort.

I have been dwelling for too long in the useless obsession with keeping the transient wonder. It is time to let go and say goodbye. No need to be depressed and fill my mind with the sad anticipation of future separation. I can say goodbye now and spend the remaining time to enjoy every precious moment left.

Wish you all the best. Wish me all the best. Wish us all the best.

Tot ziens. Au revoir. Later.