What doese gay mean?

Homosexual? happy? of course both, these two things that I deem they are same.

I can find the happiness that I desire from the a relationship a male I love, which is something I probaly cannot get from any female.

This "probably not" is just what I think and I feel, and it may not be true.

I ignore any happiness in life, because I just want to be more balance since I know the happiness is something more damaged than any thing else.

What happiness bring to me is an impact, and it make me lose control. The ecstasy it brings me is not something good to anyone, they hope to see a normal Taching rather than any Taching.

Gay means happy, but it is not happy.