2008.12.10
也許是日記的新一頁的原故,
握在手中的筆遲遲落不下......
若果一切的結局都經巳注定,有誰會去在意故事的起筆?
第六本日記......
第一本沒有鎖的日記(那是一把叫"信任"的鎖)
今日ge呢堂o咀英文,不想交待...
只是有種對住林sir ge感覺..
而今天的我,竟選擇對待他的方式對待她...
難道我真的為一兩分而戴面具向她道歉嗎?
她只是我實習理性忍受的一件工具!
我只知道,今段英文強化班miss ge調動,我做左唔少'好'事lo!
乜你認為明寸比笑里藏刀好玩咩?我唔覺lo~~!
一堂下課,自己企左出去,
就望住只手錶個分針係到發呆...(比我發現左一個留住時間ge好方法)
縱使過往的都被遺忘,
我想我還會記住,今天和妳(彥)的一小段閒話.
我害怕,非為日後的離別,而為最原始的被遺忘......
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2008.12.12
Powerful emotions stir as I recall what happened at the Eng lesson today......
The same old teacher we hate,
blamed a girl in our class for an unreasonable point again!
Such a terrible person I've ever met so far!
The girl ended up crying and I got a strong sense of anger,
nearly broke down to stand up for the girl!
I haven't done that though, and that's where I can't pardon myself.
I can't be so weak all the time!
It's a time to be strong!
How I regret not to do so now!
For I love the class, for I feel responsible, for I couldn't pass myself......
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2008.12.19
太多野要寫,今日先有時間,非得把一星期ge事一次過寫......
Decision:
前兩日,放學同枝一齊听個鏡湖護理ge講座,
內容其實都係我意料之內ge野ga na...
決定左一排lu,,都唔想再改變d咩..
就係听完講座無耐,李白衡同我地語重心長咁傾?
好耐計(佢都有听個講座),
我听得出佢好鼓吹我地改變主變,
大概就話我地有選擇ge點解唔諗多d,諗清楚d..
講真,李白衡講左咁耐我都無乜動搖,
仲有兩日就交保送名單na...依家先泥退縮?退去邊..?
番到屋企,同屋企人講左..我mom淨係識講"你接受到咪護理lo"(妖~)
後尾又同舅父佢地商議過下,
佢地都贊成我去內地d好ge大學,
係咁緊急關鍵ge時間,我應該點去重新詰節自己ge觀點?
好煩...決定了嗎?但考慮ge因素又係咩?
每次問自己同一個問題(我真係接受到?)ge時候,
我根本未有一次肯定過,所有人都說我不適合,
他們都說我接受不到,我卻並沒有反駁過,
也許心里對'護理'那份意義信念仍然存在,就難以動搖,
別再說了,我並不是你們所想的那樣,純粹為了那"長期飯碗"!
那天晚上,從未試過的惆悵慌亂,
同lvan,肥甘,枝..tel左好耐,從中都諗左好多..
由堅決護理,到牽連內地大學ge掙扎..足足煩左兩日,
到今日,我終於又好肯定咁否決左護理na!!
當所有人(包括我自己),不停咁問同一個問題,"接受否?"
夠na!我答na!我接受唔到呀!
我接受唔到同陌生人任何肉體上ge接觸,
我接受唔到用所謂'身理ge角度'去看待明明好嘔心ge'護理',
我接受唔到我唔想迫自己去接受呀,,
係自己在逃避?一直逃避問題?係我一直唔敢正視問題?
我承認---一直有心無力......
也許你們說得對,我並不是傾向那種只求安穩平凡的人,
難道我連更大理想目標的勇氣都沒有嗎?
既然有份更好將來的信念,再忙再辛苦也應有意義,我要去北京!
我要去進修真正屬於我ge,適合我ge!
(這次決定,不能再考慮猶豫了,澳門的大學保送名單巳上報)
無論結果係點,我也不後悔!
不該為結果而後悔,而該為自己的決擇而不後悔!
je係話,,第二段由輕鬆變成了緊張了...
嗯,要知道,身後堅負著萬頓寄望!
Matural feeling:
堅定決定了努力拼搏呢段ge第二日,測英文...
我竟,犯了一個不可原諒的失誤---背錯reading ge答案!!!
由我發覺之後到下一堂下課,腦海一片空白,
呆坐了一堂代數課,好不容易下課鐘聲嚮了,
我走到Office門口,定了几秒,
在自責崩潰的沖涌下走到她面前,
"miss,我..." 想了很多回覆和反應,
但我還是盡自己最大的彌補搏她同情,不知所措的實情實告,
有點意外,有點驚喜,她竟真的同情我,
轉頭就遞上另一篇reading讓我重做,說打上這篇的分數.
(當時的感受就是很釋懷,也顧不及想什么), 趕緊補上連忙答謝就出去了,
踏出office門口,我有種難以言傳的心緒在翻滾,
在想 "若果那天我以氣用事,沒有跟她道歉...
若果 "那天我真的為那女同學站起來反駁她...
若果......"我鬆了一大口氣, 然後會心而笑...
不只為了卷面上的分數,更是為了那自我肯定的理智和自豪
(當時的一氣之忍換取她對我的同情,我的理智得到了回報和肯定!)
我還要從中特別鳴謝林sir,
感謝那些折磨我的人......
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2008.12.20
今日澳門回歸,尋晚約左前高二(13)班ge一半班人去Hot pot~~
其實高二比我ge感覺,根本唔足以要我特意過澳門,
不過我想,那都該是以前的想法,
其實呢d咁ge機會,誰又敢保證是否最後一次?
能夠面對面同凡sir,Ivan...邊傾邊食,
同a'瘋'姐大癲大笑, 同成班係湖邊放縱照相,
听梁錦鴻說他的戀情和將來大計...
一切一切,平凡得太難得...
相機,每次都會帶(除非唔記得),因為太多太多要保留,要保留......
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2008.12.25(12:40a.m)
I am so tired to finish today's daily,
Anyway,it's always value to note it down on the same day.
Let's say... in the morning(12:24),
Ivan came to my home teaching me computer(Vb), physics and things like that in centain difficult area,
of cuz with some times that we stop to talk, listen music and drink coffee...
That sense of contradictions and resentments isn't present anymore.
The next chapter of my life, I should learn about life and simplicity.
Re-adjust my thinking;take the pressure off and stop holding anger,
replace these negative thoughts with positive ones and I should choose what to focus on in my life.
Hopefully,we will be good fds forever, just let go of the past, be as simple as it is.
And,that is my life, that is where the value in!
I realise again......nothing needs to be changed.//
The same as usual on special day,
the nine of us gather together celebrating the Max's day.
We went to the restaurant"佛笑樓"and had our dinner by order.
Personally, I perfer the way of choices, but also the atmosphere.
However, after dinner, they'd got the idea to casino somehow and I just followed,
sth really needs considering not about win or lose, (everyone knows what it means)
I was pleased to feel the majorily of my fds were sensible towards gambling from their words, thoughts and deeds though.
And luckly,we ended up bringing out extra 200 dollars from 葡京.
Then,we wandered around there and ending with desserts for 燒野.
Here, may we have a wonderful Christmas day and so as the future!
may we celebrate every reture the days together!
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2008.12.25
Why is that whenever I am with u, only heavy and uneasy do I feel inside?
Almost nearly everytime,u---my mom,
never stop showing your anger to me before I am to out to see dad,
and u---my dad, gives me nothing except asks for understanding of mine when I ask for living expenses of your duty......
then, who can I get mad at and who can understand me?
Have u both ever, ever considered your daughter---my situation?
I just want to see u, my dad and my half sister after not seeing quite a few months,
do I just mean to ask u for money whenever I find u…?
2008.12.30
Hardly did I find time to note down one page of my diary for the pile of tests recently,
ended at the moment though.
Alas…I did a big bad job of my Algebra test days before and the result comes into 77!!!
This time, I try my best to redeem the loss by doing more rather than to grumble myself.
However, it does be no use crying over spilt milk!
As least I havent’t broken down.
The year 2009 is coming before long,
what have I been doing in this year 2008?
This year is almost end and it seems that I’ve let go of anything just by the ending of this year,
things just changed from time to time…
I am looking forward to the new year and beginning with my best group of fds…
2009.1.1
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Today is today, yesterday is the last year.
Since today I have a fresh start,
I choose to begin letting go of unhealthy thoughts,
feelings and attitudes that have stiffied my growth though I think I’ve done so.
I am so tired to think of the difference between years,
such as what fds indeed to me actually and how I can expend the words,’a fd to all is a fd to none’?
When I grew up, I learned not to rock the boat and not to think much that only to hurt my heart.
I truly welcome this new day, this new year and this new me.
I welcome the wonderful possibilties open to me!
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