I want to die, why don't just let me???????? 

Oh my God, what I have done? Have i done something worng? Why God just punishing me like this? I have got enough in these two months. Why don't 'you' just stop pnishing me, please. If you really hate me that why don't 'you' just let me die. Now i really have to agree someone said before, a car accident, a heart attack, a tumor...........anything, just let me die peacfully.  Why all the bad things comes towards to me?

 
Living in this world is hard, but why death becomes hard, too? I can't living in this world alone, not anymore. I need him to be with me now, right now.......but again, he can't be here........... when all the bad things going to the end?

I want to kill myself (this thought comes stonger than ever), I know i can do it. but the only thing i can't give up is my dogs......... who going to take care of them after i die? I can't let go........... GOd, please....... to take pity on my dogs, give me someting to keep living in this world.

"my dear babes, mummy loves you all forever and ever....... can you guys hear me? Be happy and heathy......... Kiss"

I have back to UK for 2weeks, the first week Daniel came to Manchester, he told me his big secutry, I still can't believe he is gay now. It suprised me too much. 

I have been sleeping and eating for two days without doing anything, because Im wainting for the final result. It kills me to wait, I have nothing to do but only wait for the redult. Im so tens, I don't want to do anything, i don't want to think until the result come out............. I heard from one of my college mate that the reult will come out at the 23th of Jun. It seem not a long time from now, but for me that feels like longer than a year's time.

God bless me, please.

Tomorrow, Im going back to UK.............. which means we have to be separated again. I feel sad about it, but at the same time  that Im looking forward to go back there. Because too many things waiting for me to deal with, and also worry about my mum as well. I shouldn't lie to her, it is really not fair to her............... but i have no choice, really.

It has been very long time that I haven't touch my darily........ becoz the exames which finished at the th of May. Then, two days after I came back Hongkong to visit him. The way I came back to see him was not a pleasure journey , first, i missed the fight, bought another ticket to fly back which cost me another 400pound. second, i didn't even tell my mum i came back, becoz i knew she won't happy about that i come back for such a short time. Also, back home with my mum means i have very little time to spend wit him.

The first few days when i came back i felt super happy, however, when days past by i feeling very guilt........ the amount of the money i spent and i feel very sorry to my mum, i lie to her and even wouldn't back hme to visit her................. becoz of him. I really feel very very very.................sorry. I want to give her a ring, but........ i don't know........

Im also miss y three babes so much as well. I guess i shouldn't come back at the first place. I don't know how he and I could keep going on when I back to UK, it costs too much to see him once.

I feel so depress about my life, the problem from my family and the pressure about exam makes me feel so dowm. Because all of these reminds me the happy days we have had together. I don't want to have any change, i just want the life we used to have back................... but, i know that is imposible, so i feel that i have no hopes anymore. However, at least i want him to be with me when i feel sad. Again, i know that's not going to happend............. I start to question the relationship between us, how long can we keep this relationship if we keep separating? Can we be together again before I wheoverwhelm by lonelyless , then start another relationship with someone else? 

I can understnad, it is impossible for him to come back in this country again, but i hope he can undrstand that what i need in a relationship is to have someone who loves me and can be always around me when i need him............